


Six Black Poppies

by calafax



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: (also tw for suicide), Cold War Era, Dystopian, M/M, Mental Illness, Nuclear Warfare, i drunk write an entire dystopian novel, oh gee, yes this was necessary
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-10
Updated: 2017-01-19
Packaged: 2018-09-16 14:16:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9275723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calafax/pseuds/calafax
Summary: Hey guys! Thanks for all the hits and some feedback, it's been really nice and I'm glad people are enjoying this... thing so far.First off, after reading some of the drafts Kaworu was involved in for the original eva series, I'm tweaking the prequel a teeny bit. Nothing major. I just want to make sure his backstory is what I want it to be.Second- I promise this is the last prequel chapter and we meet shinji next chapter ect. ect. It'll be exciting soon(ish). I know it took forever. This fic is going to be *long*, but I'm enjoying writing it, so who cares. I will drunk write an entire novel. TIme isn't real.Lastly, BIG SELF HARM TW for this chapter. please read with caution.





	1. PREQUEL: THE WALL OF ONE'S MIND (PART 1)

Tabris was born five times. The first time, he remembers a pair of yellow eyes, and then darkness.   
The second, feeling very cold just before the dark. The third, just agony. A burning, fiery agony. By the fourth he decided to move his hands, but only once before he was again consumed. On the fifth however, he was very still, and the darkness did not come.  
So he waited  
It did not come  
So he waited  
It did not come  
So he waited.  
Tabris opened his eyes. There was a strange thing outside him. Something was humming. There were words there, or at least the concept of them.  
“Dammit, we’ve done it now”   
Tabris (TECHNO-AUTOMATIC BIO-ROBOTIC INFILTRATION SYSTEM) knew these words, though he wasn’t sure how, or who “we” were, but he wanted to know very badly. Should he ask? Where was he? Much more importantly, what was he?   
“Get it out of the tank, no loud sounds or sudden movements. Contact Professor Adam to begin data logging immediately.”  
“What? Now?”  
“Yes! Now damnit, it’s awake”  
There was a lull and footsteps. Where was he?  
To Tabris’s great surprise and horror the warm orange reality that had been surrounding him began to fade. He flung himself forward, only to collide with an invisible fortress right in front of the men. The sweet orange reality dripped all over the floor. He was shivering and lying, quite naked, on the dark, wet, cold concrete below. He would have been afraid, but he didn’t quite know what fear was, not yet.  
There were long pale structures going every which way. Was that him? He looked like them, he supposed. They stood on the two legs, he figured he probably should try that. Tabris immediately attempted to mimic.  
“Do not move”  
But that didn’t seem fair, because they were all moving, and he had just begun, he was sure he would get the hang of it.  
“Do not move”   
He continued to ignore the woman, having become quite enthralled with the concept of “toes”  
“Do not move”   
He laughed, it was marvelous! What a strange thing he was, what wonders!   
“Permission to shut it down for data load?”   
“SHUTTING TABRIS DOWN, DATA COMMENCING”   
That was all Tabris got of reality before returning to a much less peaceful, much more intrusive darkness.


	2. PREQUEL: THE WALL OF ONE'S MIND (PART 2)

Sixty days had passed since he had come into the world, and Tabris was quite pleased with how much he had already learned. Walking had been very difficult at first, and he still fell sometimes, but he was now quite confident in his ability to get from point A to point B. Speaking came naturally, so did using his log. Just that morning he had been absolutely thrilled with his drill scores. Mobility had been at 8, speech had been at 9! Social communication had still been at 6, but it was still an improvement from last week, so he was quite proud. He knew Professor Adam would be, too. Perhaps he would be willing to move the mission up! Another 60 days seemed unnecessary, Tabris thought, considering how quickly he was progressing. He was also anxious to become part of a world he had up until then only studied, but never experienced. This world of humans was already overwhelming, and he had never even been “above ground”. The mission, it sounded like, would not only take place above group, but quite far from the lab itself. He would never ask, of course. Oh no, he understood his purpose.  
He understood what he had been made for, he had been made to bring liberty to his people, and to destroy the cruelty of the Lilin. His mission objective, his purpose, it was instilled in him, as deeply as a soul or a heart might have been instilled in a “biological” human. In time he learned to love his creator, but to fear him slightly more. He knew that no matter what, Professor Adam would know what was best for him, and for the First Race. Tabris lay in his cell, staring at the ceiling. Gray, white, there was a hum coming from the west corridor of the lab, and people were shouting. He blinked to turn on his log, and the natural reality disappeared before his eyes, and a screen replaced it. Tabris and searched through his log, browsing lazily, as there wasn’t much new information. The midday lull before his afternoon bio-exams was a real bore. He wanted to ask Professor Adam if he could upload a new history module for him today, as he had nearly memorized the thrilling story of the First Race’s 1912 military campaign.   
Tabris had just opened a previously untouched page that described what “ducks” were, and, having finally found something worthwhile to study, was of course interrupted.  
A short cough was all it took for him to know- It was the creator! Tabris immediately shot upright on the stainless steel table, and gathered his stretched consciousness from all the corners of his logs and switched himself back to his normal vision.   
“Hello Tabris.” the creator said shortly.   
“Hello Professor Adam, it is very good to see you. Today are we beginning biotests early?” Tabris asked, and was quite proud of his sentence, smiling.   
“No, Tabris I think today we will be doing something else. I think it is time for you to begin assimilation.”   
Tabris had not encountered that word before, so he decided to check his log. Within milliseconds, it displayed:   
[ASSIMILATION: The process by which a person or persons acquire the social and psychological characteristics of a group]   
Before Tabris could inquire what that meant for him, his creator, so wise, seemed to already know his exact question.  
“Today I want you to go above ground, to the rest of the lab”   
The strange boy, barefoot in a light blue lab gown, gasped. How unexpected, how exciting!  
Tabris was lead by the Professor across several corridors he had never seen. There were rooms full of tubes and strange liquids, mice, something that looked nearly human. He didn’t like the noise those things were making, and covered his ears with his hands promptly, shoving his head down and increasing pace as quickly as he could without compromising his balance.   
Eventually he was lead to a door, which lead to some stairs, which lead to a lift, which lead to more stairs, then another door. Taking a sharp inhale, the Professor hesitantly pulled a silver knob forward.

It took several moments for the photoreceptors in his eyes to adjust to how bright this new world was. But when they did, it was overwhelming. There were so many new colors, so many new sights and smells. On top of that, he had never seen so many people! He had only ever seen Professor Adam and a handful of assistance, but there must have been at least twenty people here, all gathered in the same place! Suddenly Tabris found his conscious swarming, trying to take everything in all at once. The sensory came in waves, many of which were simply too much for the boy to comprehend. He closed his eyes for a moment, involuntarily. All the humans talked too fast for Tabris to understand, though as they all turned towards him, there was near silence.   
Tabris just kept smiling, and shouted a hearty “Hello!”, the way he knew he was supposed to when he saw other people. That should please the professor.   
“Holy shit.” was all he heard for a moment, the mass of the First Race lab turning towards him. Pens dropped, somewhere in the distance a computer monitor booted up. Audible gasps were vocalized and then subsided.  
“You actually did it.”   
“Is it real?”  
“Professor Adam, this is extraor-....”  
“Why does it look like that?” a woman, who had been leaning on a desk nearby, backed away slowly from Tabris, as though not to startle him.  
“We’re not sure.” The Professor coughed, in a tone that Tabris had not heard before.“It’s possible the genome we used was partially damaged in the processes of fusing the robotics, although not every clone had this deformity. It’s likely a simple case of albinism, thus has only affected its aesthetics. Otherwise it is fully functional”   
“Hello!” Tabris said, this time just to the lady. She quite small comparatively, and had much darker skin than Tabris or the professor. His social logs said that people often wanted to shake hands in these sorts of situations. He was eager to do so, as he had never touched a human being, and they looked sort of soft. Unfortunately the woman didn’t seen as eager. Tabris was trying to figure out why everyone seemed so afraid of him when a simple, sudden, but overpowering sensation took hold of him.  
The professor looked over to his creation with worry, TABRIS had suddenly gone rigid, his red eyes wide. The few people who had been brave enough to stand near him stepped back.   
“Tabris,”  
“what is that” was all the strange boy said, his pale lip twitched, and suddenly he appeared further away.  
“What? do you sense something? What is it?” the creator sounded mad, Tabris should do something, but he felt too absolutely intoxicated   
The sounds, the world around him was moving. it was all together bending reality into something… new. Something wonderful.  
Tabris lifted a single pale finger and pointed towards the ceiling radio.   
“That” he said, shakily  
“Oh” said professor Adam, suddenly sounding amused. Many of the workers let out a quiet relieved laugh.  
“That's music, Tabris, on the radio. Sounds like something classical”  
Tabris was irritated now, the louder the laughed, the less he could hear, and the further away it got. Perhaps he could get it out of the ceiling, that way it wouldn’t be so far away.  
“Can I get it out?” Tabris asked, looking at the ceiling expectantly.   
“What?”   
“Can I get it out of there” Tabris pointed to the radio.   
“No, you can't get music out, Tabris, that's not how it works” The professor now seemed mildly embarrassed, as the snickering of his colleagues had not quite subsided.   
“Where does music come from?”  
“Human beings make music” The creator said hastily.   
Tabris considered this new information and adjusted his schemas accordingly.   
“Can Tabris make music too?” he wondered aloud.   
“No, Tabris has no need to. The mission objective does not require any knowledge of artistic abilities.” The Professor was now back to that harsh, familiar tone.   
“Oh”  
…  
“Are you sure?” Tabris started, and immediately regretted it. He knew to never question the creator’s authority. He was out of line. He was, after all, not to have wants. He was not to have will or thought other than to please the creator and to complete his mission’s objective.   
Every small fiber of his being seemed to scream stop stop stop STOP STOP! WRONG WRONG WRONG!  
Yet he had met something, or someone, in that feeling. "Music" Tabris thought. Why did some simple sensory stimulation cause such joy? Such pleasure? What was he feeling? Could he feel? Did he dare feel anything?   
It seemed as if two sides of him were tearing each other apart for control at that moment (a feeling Tabris would never truly be able to abandon) , but it didn’t stop him from logging. 

[MUSIC: the science or art of ordering tones or sounds in succession, in combination, and in temporal relationships to produce a composition having unity and continuity] 

“Yes, Tabris. We are sure” Professor Adam said, Tabris had never seen him so serious.  
The strange boy began to shake, he knew he had done something terribly wrong. He was so wholly sorry, but the momentum of his heart, these feelings, they were still so new to him. He wasn’t sure what to do in response, so he began to shake more violently.   
“Tabris, we will learn from this. When you make a mistake, apologize.” His creator said sternly  
“Apologize?”  
“You must say, “I’m sorry”. This means that you regret what you have done, and how it made the other person feel.  
“Oh, okay…” Tabris took a moment to consider before saying “I’m sorry”   
“Very good. That’s enough for today, I think. Why don’t we go back to the lab?” The Professor said, already turning towards the door they had just recently emerged from. 

Tabris realized he really did not want to go back to “the lab”. Everything there was the same: grey, sterile, loud, smelling like alcohol. Everything here was new, terrifying, but new. Colorful and overwhelming, somehow both too sharp and too soft. He wanted more of it. More music, more new faces, more humans, more of this world.  
These wants, however, were not vocalized, and Tabris simply nodded, smiled, and followed his creator back to the deep stairwell from which they had come.


	3. PREQUEL: THE WALL OF ONE'S MIND (PART 3)

_ two weeks later _

 

The Professor stirred a single callused finger in his tea, the familiar claustrophobia of his desk surrounding him. It was late now, but he had known he wouldn’t be leaving the lab tonight. Not that anyone or anything would take notice of the absence at his apartment.

Gnawing at him was an old anxiety making itself new. When he had begun the TABRIS project, the attempt to fuse a human clone and a robotic mechanism together, he had been confronted with plenty of anxieties. It was an attempt to create the perfect bioweapon, something that could work as the eyes and ears of the base without having to put any sacred members in danger. What he had created, it was nothing short of breathtaking. Yet that anxiety still ate at him. Tabris should not have enjoyed music, it should not have spoken back at all. 

It was only meant or created to look and interact like a human being might, but it wasn’t meant to have free will. It wasn’t meant to know or understand abstract concepts such as “music”. It was a robot, with a job. 

He knew how important it was for him to remember this, and not to become too attached to his creation. That was the great folly of man, this emotional attachment, this bond. It so often triumphed logic. Still, the strange, hideous, beautiful thing had been his life’s work, now thirty years in the making. Thirty years in this dark lab, and he had done it. He had created some sort of monstrosity that could think independently, while being entirely under the control of another. It wasn’t artificial intelligence, not quite. The thing had been melded into a regular human embryo, so it was more real human intelligence, enhanced and compromised by something more. Bit by bit, robotics were added as the body matured, stabilized, waited. Some things were rejected, but overall the experiment had been a massive success. 

So why wasn’t he happy? 

Thirty years. He was approaching sixty, maybe older, he often lost count. He had no family, living alone in a small underground apartment where a factory had once been. He had taken in a stray cat a few years back, which he lovingly named Kaworu. He had enjoyed doting on the white kitten, though it wasn’t to last. The poor feline, however, was run over just two weeks later. That was his first and last time with a companion.

He had killed so many animals, clones, specimens (he couldn’t bear to think of them as humans, even though he knew they were.) to get this far. How much blood was on his hands, truly? And he knew even his successful creation, Tabris, was doomed. 

The Professor had a very hard time not hating himself, lately. 

He recalled  a particularly gruesome conversation he had had with a representative from SEELE just the other day.

 

“Of course, part of the finance agreement is that the first dissection right is ours, therefore it would be in your best interest to provide us with some sort of timeframe” The man was squat, fat, and young- though already partially bald.

“What?” Was all the Professor could manage, looking down at the strange man.

“When TABRIS has completed the mission and cleared a path to Central Dogma, SEELE would like to be the first and only ones to take it apart. Understanding just how the biological and robotic elements interact could lead to yet another breakthrough here. I understand that your research provides some insight, but that will be insufficient, we fear” 

Professor Adam had swallowed hard, suddenly feeling dizzy for some reason 

“Is it able to feel pain?” the representative asked casually, loosening his ugly tye. 

“Yes, I was not able to tinker with too much of the brain's basic anatomy.” 

“A shame, the dissection will likely have to take place while the system is operational. The poor people who perform it might be in for a shock.” He paused and chuckled dryly, The Professors had a strange feeling he had never quite experienced before. It made him want to go find Tabris immediately, but he wasn’t sure what he would do after that.  

“ It truly is so lifelike, isn't it? how remarkable you are, Doctor Adam!”

The Professor hadn’t responded right away, still lost in compilation of this strange emotion. 

 

Reality came flooding back at the sound of a distant alarm.

The Professor swallowed the anxiety forming in his throat. He wasn’t about to abandon the project now, not with the billions that had been invested in it, or the multitude of skeptical eyes now glaring down at him.

He knew what he needed to do, for himself and for his cause. Though the hour was now approaching dawn, the task could not wait. 

It wouldn’t matter, he thought. It was developing at a rapid rate, faster than he had ever imagined. 

Professor Adam walked down the corridor to a narrow hallway, past several dissection rooms and cages, to the room where he knew his creation would be waiting idely. 

He looked at the freakish, tall, perfect thing, this boy, with wonder. Tabris was propped up on his bed, seemingly lost in a trance- using his log, then. White hair met pale skin, and despite the frequent cold of the lab, Tabris was only wearing his blue gown. The Professor had to remember to leave him some sort of coat next time-

He caught himself there. There wouldn’t be a next time

“Tabris”

“Yes Professor Adam?” The boy, the thing, shot up, shaking its head and focussing its eyes.

The Professor clutched one hand in the other, and clearing his throat, gave the command easily.

“I want you to have one more month of assimilation, then I believe you will be ready to commence your mission.”

The happiness in those horrible red eyes only made the Professor more anxious, yet strangely happy. It wasn’t dangerous, sure, to hope for his creation. To wish it a better future, somewhere not so dim and depressing as this lab. There was nothing wrong with that. It was something he wished from himself every day.

“The next weeks will be your instruction. You will have a room above ground at a facility 16 miles north of here. An escort will collect you from here at 8 tomorrow. You are to report to the north corridor of the 6th floor lab each morning at 5:30, there a Professor Agate will instruct you further.” He frowned and readjusted his glasses, unsure what else to say as the strange boy peered back at him with those unsightly red eyes. 

“Understood” Was all Tabris managed, in a neutral and tired voice that could have been the professor's own.

The Professor turned then, with a nod, and the smallest sign, set his pace towards the door.

“Creator…” Tabris said suddenly, trailing off

The Professor turned. He hated when Tabris called him that, but he understood why. 

“Yes, Tabris?”

“Will I see you again?”

“It is unlikely that I will be necessary in anymore of your mission preparation. I will be in contact with you via your logs when it commences.”

“Oh.”

“Professor Adam?”

“Yes Tabris?”

“What happens to me, after… after the mission is over?” Though The Professor could tell he was trying to hide it, the smallest quiver overtook that last word,  _ over. _

The professor suddenly felt as if he were choking, his stomach yearned, he eyes grew wary. This was exactly what he hadn’t wanted. 

_ They will tear you apart, Tabris. Some of you will be reused, some of you will be discarded, my life’s work, my beautiful son, all.. _

“That is not of my discretion, Tabris” The Professor said, the words left something bitter in his mouth on the way out. 

“Oh, understood” Was all the boy responded.

“Tabris,”

“Yes, Professor Adam?”

“When you are on your mission, your name will no longer be Tabris, as that is the name of your operating system. You will need a code name, do you understand?”

“Code name” Tabris uttered the words in a childish, fascinated tone. 

“What people at NERV will call you, they won’t know you as Tabris”

“Oh”

“That name… it’s going to be Kaworu, okay?”

“Kaworu.” the boy repeated, and ended the last syllable by forming his delicate pink lips into a smile

“I like it”

The Professor simply nodded, he knew if he were to open his mouth, the words would certainly betray his otherwise indifferent outward presentation.

Turning away, he realigned himself on that familiar path, and grabbed the door for the last time.

“Thank you” Kaworu said

The professor did not reply, simply paused for a moment, clenching his fist in his labcoat before continuing on his departure. Once he was sure of he was alone, he mouthed a simple phrase.

“I’m so sorry” 

It was an apology and a prayer all in one. For both the boy and for himself. He hoped it would be enough, but knew it would not be.


	4. PREQUEL: THE WALL OF ONE'S MIND (PART 4)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Thanks for all the hits and some feedback, it's been really nice and I'm glad people are enjoying this... thing so far.  
> First off, after reading some of the drafts Kaworu was involved in for the original eva series, I'm tweaking the prequel a teeny bit. Nothing major. I just want to make sure his backstory is what I want it to be.
> 
> Second- I promise this is the last prequel chapter and we meet shinji next chapter ect. ect. It'll be exciting soon(ish). I know it took forever. This fic is going to be *long*, but I'm enjoying writing it, so who cares. I will drunk write an entire novel. TIme isn't real.
> 
> Lastly, BIG SELF HARM TW for this chapter. please read with caution.

Tabris was very rarely bored. Though he was now biologically 16, he had no existing memories before about month ago, so everything was quite exciting. Whether it be the simple way that sun hit the lab floor or the first acid rainstorm of the week, Tabris was often enthralled by the most mundane of things.

Therefore it is quite remarkable that this “Professor Agate” managed to nearly lull him to sleep each and every day, just by trying to teach him decent human etiquette and interaction. She was a plump old woman, who’s blue lab coat and sour personality seemed to be the only truly distinguishable trait. Tabris observed, however, that she seemed quite a kind soul around most people.

Most people meant anyone who wasn’t him.

At first, he had been overjoyed to simply live above ground, but the past two weeks had somehow lost their charm. Being a human, it turned out, or at least pretending to be one, was quite difficult.

Picking out “clothing” itself had been a two day ordeal with the Professor, and the back of his neck still ached when he thought about it. Tabris had wanted to wear as many colors as he possibly could, of course, because they seemed so beautiful and exciting.  Apparently, however, this was not how most 16 year olds or TABRISs dressed, so it wouldn’t do. He now wore a plain school uniform, and had only been allowed to keep a blue t shirt and a large purple sweater, which he wore every evening once Agate left him alone. 

He had also been made aware that he was going to have to attend “school”, but the whole idea still baffled him. How was he supposed to sit in tiny room with a bunch of people his age, all in matching outfits, for 7 hours a day! Agate, however, insisted that it was part of the hoax he was to perpetrate. Tabris was left quite sure she had just made the whole idea up to punish him for the clothing fiasco the day before. 

 

The boredom wasn’t the only problem, however, not by a wide margin. Tabris was beginning to believe that something was not quite right with him. Not quite right with his body and with his Self. 

He started to remember things. 

Droplets of sunlight hitting the window pane just the right way, the click of heels on the concrete floor of the hall, the smell of Agates horrible cigarettes. 

They were all familiar, familiar in a way that he could not quite describe, but extended beyond the short time frame he believed he had existed. 

 

It was a particularly hot morning when the feelings finally overwhelmed him. As Tabris sat congruent to the position of his chair while the Agate’s familiar voice droned on, he looked down. Those plentiful scars on his arms. He grazed his thumb over a few of them curiously. How did they get there? Who had done that? 

Something told him he had. But when? How? Why would he have wanted to harm himself? Why did something about this place seem so horribly familiar, when n othing should be familiar to him, he had only just come into this world.

“Professor Agate” Tabris couldn’t handle it anymore, the questions had begun to overflow inside of him. He just needed a simple answer, though he doubted there was one. 

“Yes… Tabris.” She sounded as if she were talking to misbehaving dog.

“How…. old am I?”

“Please do not waste my time with meaningless questions, Tabris. You are a male of 16 years of age, born i-”

Tabris sighed, he knew this lie, he had recited it well over a hundred times. He knew who he was supposed to be, but what about who he actually was?

“No, no I mean, who... am I.” 

“These sorts of questions will only cause trouble.”

“Yes, but-”

“I want no more of this.” The petite woman's nostrils flared, and Tabris was amused by the mass of black hair that peered out of each “You well know what you are supposed to be, what you are or have been is irrelevant.” She snapped, hitting Tabris quite hard on the back of his head with a smallish book. 

“Have been?” Tabris ignored the pain that was now making its way down his spine. She’d hit a wire or something,  he thought. Or a nerve. They were really the same to him in these situations.

Despite this, he searched her green eyes unfazed. 

“This isn’t the first time we’ve met, is it?” Tabris said. He found himself drawn to a mood he had never felt before. Confusion, intrigue, curiosity, fear. These were all familiar by now. Anger was new, as was desperation. 

“This isn’t the first time you’ve tried to teach me all of this”

“You stop it now.” Was all his teacher replied, and Tabris detected a quick glint of fear reflect off the lense of her wire glasses. He stood up, approaching her slowly as if it would draw the truth out of her. 

“Why can’t I remember the las-”

“Tabris, I’m warning you, asking this will only lead to-”

“But I need to know! Please!” Tabris was shaking again, worse than he ever remembered having done before. He was less angry now, and more afraid, confused, perhaps betrayed. What had Professor Adam not told him? Who was he? Was there parts of him he no longer had? Had he lost himself? 

“I SAID STOP IT” Agate was screaming now, backing away from him, although he had stopped advancing.

“I just don’t underst-"

“I SAID STOP”

Tabris attempted to draw back, but suddenly the furious woman was on top of him. Two small callused hands curled around his throat as the rest of the body shook him violently. Tabris wasn’t sure what to do, but if he had decided on something, he wouldn’t have been able to do it.  The panic that rushed through his head was overwhelming, although he had never considered death or pain something particularly frightening before. But the biological side of him seemed to triumph over his logic, and he soon brought his own pale fingers to his throat, desperately attempting to claw the strangling force away. He found his efforts futile, as the savage old woman would not budge, not for a moment.

Tabris had one last thought before the world went dark, that was that this was the first time another person had touched him.

* * *

 

The mental silence wouldn’t last long, though his biological side had blacked out, the lack of oxygen hadn’t disturbed his computer.

His cheek felt sore on the grey carpet. He came to at the sound of a woman, his attacker, speaking anxiously on the phone. If he stretched his senses enough, he could even hear the man on the other end. 

“We don’t have time to reset it again, I’m telling you. If the mission doesn’t commence within the next two months, SEELE won’t be backing us anymore.” The man had a rough but unfamiliar voice.

“Yes but please contact Adam, I can’t control it. It’s the same every time. It’s a danger to itself, like Adam said. It’s a danger to me. It’s a danger to everyone!” 

“It doesn’t matter, Gillian, just please do your best with it and get it sent away. If anything, we’ll control it manually from here. It doesn’t really matter how the thing thinks or feels, we can control it physically from here. We’ve tried to reset and stabilize it five times now, it’s clearly not going to work. It’s a robot, and it’s a weapon. Of course it’s dangerous, so be grateful you’re on the right side of this damn war.” 

The other side went quiet. 

Agate sighed, and Tabris heard the turn of her heel. 

“I know you can hear me, get up.”

Tabris’s eyes shot open, and upon command, he slowly rose from the grey carpet. 

“I will not be answering any of your questions. I will simply say that you had memories. We did not believe they were essential to the mission, so we removed them from your databanks. Is that clear.” 

Tabris felt something in his eyes sting, and something even greater in his stomach scream. His lungs seemed to be trying to make up for the loss, and were suddenly unable to get enough air, leaving him gasping. He no longer seemed to have control of his hands or his frame, and both continued to vibrate at an alarming rate. He wanted to run, but he knew his feet wouldn’t take him. He kept his red eyes fixed on the ground while he felt the green ones, behind spectacles, bore down on him.

If he still wanted answers, he knew that he wouldn't find them here. 

“I said, is that clear”

Tabris could not speak, so he simply nodded, supporting himself with his right hand on a low table.

“Very good, we are done for today. You may go.”

She departed immediately, however it took Tabris another five minutes to find the courage to walk down to his living quarters. 

 

* * *

 

That night Tabris put on his plum colored sweater and decided to lie on the small platform that had been designated as his bed, to simply allow himself to  _ think. _

He was afraid now. The mission he was programmed with seemed to be looming at the edge of his conscious, trying to overtake him. It was a hateful, powerful force. His consciousness was an endless battle between that overpowering force that occupied his body and  _ himself.  _ Himself. Who was he? He was Tabris. He was Kaworu. Both Tabris and Kaworu existed within him. He was a weapon, and he was a boy.

But was he a human?

“ _ We’ve tried to reset and stabilize it five times now” _

So Tabris was born five times, then. This seemed set to be the last, by the way Agate had been talking on the phone.He sighed and willed himself to believe that the memories he had he could now keep. Perhaps whatever he had forgotten would return to him someday. 

A plum colored knit sleeve met with the unnaturally pale skin on his right wrist. There were endless lines hatched into that skin, which Tabris frowned at, trying to recall their meaning. He was quite sure it had been his own handiwork, as if a past self had embedded some sort of code into his skin for him to find later. Curiosity above all else drove him to take apart a leg of the bedframe and run the sharp, black, metallic point of a screw across his wrist to form another even line.

Fresh red blood,  _ human  _ blood, poured out of the line. The small injury did sting a bit, but it was nothing compared to the overwhelming joy of seeing it poor out of him. He wasn’t a robot, then, not entirely. The smell of iron, the smell of human overtook him. It was beautiful. It was warm, sticky, and quintessentially  _ human.  _ This word hummed in his mind, and he became dizzy with pleasure. Sure, he was not quite normal. He had his logs and his mission to complete, but after that, he thought, perhaps there could be something more.

To Tabris, being human meant to be promised hope, in the most fragile, but realest of senses.

And he had proven to himself that he was, at the very least, human.


	5. CHAPTER 1: THE PRODIGAL SON

The prodigal son awoke at the same time he had every day for the past two years. It was always too early.

Morning

A familiar ceiling. As familiar as things came to him nowadays, which wasn’t very. White, rough, plain. 

Morning.

Another day. The small rays of sun that overcame the grey building next to his window touched down on his blue bedsheets. The smell of warm linen and dawn was of little comfort.

Morning. 

He shuffled earnestly and allowed his feet to touch the floor. The ground below him was still there, he hadn’t been sure. 

Shinji sighed, looking down at his hands, trying his best not to think. He could go to the kitchen and start the morning routine, but that would be risky. Somehow no matter what happened, no matter how quiet he was or how early, he would always manage to wake Asuka up. Then she would have ammunition against him for the rest of the day.

_ “Why am I so pissy? You woke me up at an ungodly hour again, you idiot!”  _

Shinji resigned to simply sit idly for the remaining hour that had to pass before he was allowed to leave his bedroom. It wasn’t a difficult choice, it was one he had made the past few hundred mornings. A small window. A dusty cello case. A poster of a band he didn’t really like. A few empty cans of soda. A towel that was still wet. 

He blinked once, then twice, and again and again,  _ open, close, open, close. _ He looked at his right hand and repeated the pattern with it,  _ open, close, open, close.  _ He wondered if his hands always felt this way, so small and alien, the body that was not quite his. A life not close to being his. His mouth tasted like metal, his lungs filled themselves with air. 

It had been two years since he moved

Did he miss living with his aunt? Did he miss normalcy? He thought so, but he wasn’t quite sure anymore.

Whatever this was, he wouldn’t miss it when it was over. If it were ever over. Considering how often he faced death, he tended to hesitate to make plans more than a day in the future. 

Though the morning sun had brought little comfort, the threat of death came with substantial. If he were to die in battle, maybe everyone would remember him as something he wasn’t. Not a coward or a weakling, nobel, brave. The true son of the great General Ikari. 

If he were to do it himself, to kill himself, as he often fantasized, it would just be running away again. Not matter how bad he wanted it, no matter how much acid he felt in his veins or how far he already was from this world, no matter how little sleep or how many nightmares. 

_ He mustn’t run away. _

It was the proverb that had gotten him into this mess in the first place, that had turned him into a tool for his father's hands to murder to efficiently

He heard the familiar sound of a cupboard open and then slam shut. Looking at his bedside alarm, it was now 7:00. The time to begin yet another day. Shinji allowed himself one deep breath before throwing his SDAT into his bag and emerging shamefully into the kitchen. 

______________________________________________________________________

 

_ EVANGELION PILOT OO. PILOT 01. PILOT 02.  REPORT TO DOCK.  _

 

Shinji wasn’t quite sure if he wanted the day to be a “normal” one or not. If there was an attack, he would have a chance to get caught in the line of fire. But that would mean quite a lot of excitement, and he wasn’t feeling particularly up for that, not today.

The underground laboratory which had once excited him now seemed to be more of a prison than anything else. It was strange, how quickly the extraordinary became normalcy when one was exposed to them day in and day out. Something in his heart he couldn’t control hoped his father would be in today. Just peering over from the long balcony above the docks. He didn’t even have to say anything.

Shinji just wanted him to be there, and for that he felt a great wave of shame.

It had been weeks since the last attempt by anyone infiltrate headquarters, so he  only braced himself for another day full of tests. Which meant he only really had to put on his plug suit and sit idly in the cockpit while the sea of eyes that made up the NERV lab drowned him and different things poked and prodded and filled his reality.

 

Asuka yells something over the com, but he doesn’t quite catch it, figuring it probably wasn’t anything of great importance. 

_ “SHINJI!”  _ The voice came back without a moment's notice. 

Okay, perhaps it was important.

“What?” is all the reply he gav to Asuka, not feeling quite up for their usually daily bickering.

“Pay attention! Misato’s trying to com you!” 

“Oh” He fidgets with his radio until he finds the command station. 

“Sorry, did you need me for something?” 

“Just to tell you everything looks good! Your sync rate is a little below your average, but it’s not anything to cause concern. Asuka and I thought we should all take an early lunch today, since we’re on low threat at the moment, and you kids haven’t had a break in ages, don’t worry, it’s on me. We could try that pizza place…” Shinji started zoning out here, lately if no one was yelling at him he had a hard time really paying attention to whatever they were saying.

“...Also Shinji, remember we’re getting the new pilot at the train station sometime around 13:00 today” Misato continued.

“New pilot?” Shinji inquired. He didn’t trust himself to have heard it correctly.

“Shinji, we’ve been talking about this for the past week. The new pilot, Kaworu Nagisa, will be arriving at headquarters today, so I want the three of you to be here to greet him.”

“Crow who?” Shinji asked. He recalled having heard something about a new pilot recently, but he hadn’t thought about it much. What kind of name was crow-who?  He heard an audible sigh from over the com. 

“Just meet everyone on the landing in five.”

 

Ritsuko was left in charge as the four of them began the ascent to the real world. Rei had agreed to come, which had lightened Shinji’s mood slightly, if only because it meant that Asuka now had two victims. Not that Rei would keep up much of a conversation. 

The early lunch was surprisingly pleasant, and although Shinji never ate in public, he was content to sip lemonade out of a plastic red cup and watch a few birds pass the windows. Misato and Asuka took the opportunity to discuss, in depth, this new pilot. 

“What sort of name is Kaworu, though? And where is he even coming from?” Asuka huffed. She had spent a solid twenty minutes now speculating if a boy she had never met would be worthy of taking her out to dinner. To Shinji’s horror, Misato met the subject with amused appeasement.

“I’m not sure where he’s from, most of the data we have on the pilot's gets erased as soon as they’re chosen.”

“Is he at least cute?” Asuka sighed, Shinji bit the inside of his lip. How could she already be so infatuated with a person she’d never even met?

“How are you so sure he’ll like you back?” Shinji couldn’t help himself, though he knew his question would only open up a five minute lecture about how Asuka was the greatest thing that had happened to this world since sliced bread, and he was lucky to even be her friend. 

By the end of the lecture, Shinji almost regretted having said anything. Almost. 

  
  


The train station wasn’t far away, thankfully, and even Misato managed to get everyone there in one piece. As the four of them waited outside the station,  Shinji suddenly felt hyper aware of just how ridiculous they looked. Rei appeared as she always did, like her conscious had left her body behind never to return. Asuka was looking at the world as if it were some unfortunate substance she had just stepped on. Misato had that familiar small smile on her face that everyone knew meant everything might go wrong in an instance.

And then there was him. What did he even look like nowadays? Why was he suddenly so anxious?

A thin boy in a cute blue and white striped shirt seemed to recognize them from across the platform and smiled, approaching with no hesitation.

Shinji was careful not to make eye contact when the boy got close enough that there was a threat of eye contact. It was impossible, however, not to double take.The boy had bleached white hair, and bright red, serpent like eyes. His pale lips were thrown into a sloppy but charming half smile, his whole air beamed with some sort of sickening confidence. 

Shinji hated him right away. That beaming look and confident stature. What right did he have. Some random beautiful boy just shows up and-

Shinji caught himself.

“Hello! I’m Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa, you must been Ms.Katsuragi.” The boy proclaimed, placing his bag on the platform to reach his hand out. Misato took it in her friendly, if not uncertain way.

“And I’m Asuka Langley Soryu, pilot of Evangelion Unit 2.” Asuka stepped in before Misato had a chance to finish their pleasantries. 

“Well, pleased to meet you, Ms.Soryu.” The strange boy beamed even brighter, and Asuka began to chat pleasantly about “welcome to blah blah” or something.  _ Pleasant, she’s being pleasant, jesus christ. _

Indignation began to boil in Shinji’s stomach.  _ You don’t know what she’s really like, or you wouldn’t be so... _

Rei looked at Kaworu with cold suspicion, as though trying to see through him. The two of them nodded in some sort of mutual understanding that seemed appropriate enough for a greeting. 

Oh, Shinji’s turn. 

He thought he let out an “um” or some other stupid little mumble, but then looked away. 

Should he do something? He was so bad at meeting new people, he hated it, it was so awkward. As if he wasn’t awkward with the people he already knew. 

_ Hi, I’m the son of that famous war general, but I’m actually a scrawny cowardly piece of shit. Please do not talk to me or look at me. Please make sure we never have to communicate or interact after this. Please leave me alone. _

Eventually his body decided it was sentient enough for a very fast handshake and a very small hello before darting away. 

Even so, Shinji couldn’t help but look back up to the boy,  _ Nagisa.  _ His smile didn't falter, and his white hair brushed his sharp jawline in a way that made him look more like a god than a 17 year old boy. It took Shinji a moment to realize that everyone was waiting for him to join them on the walk back to Misato’s car. He nearly tripped over himself trying to rejoin the group.

He was just so interesting to look at. Those bright red eye's, were much like Rei’s. Upon further inspection, however, Shinji realized they were somehow warmer, and brighter, despite their strange hue. 

The car ride back seemed to take an eternity. Kaworu continued to talk with Misato and Asuka. Asuka, however, hadn’t been quite infatuated enough to give up shotgun, so Shinji sat in the middle of Rei and the stranger. He had no idea why, but each time the other boy’s shoulder brushed his own, he felt his cheeks warm. He might have imagined it, but he thought he caught Rei smiling at him upon noticing. 

Misato left the group of now four back at the lab, rushing off in some direction where an alarm was now sounding.

“Do you need someone to show you around, Kaworu?” Asuka asked in a tone of voice Shinji had never heard out of her before.

“No, I think I’m just going to go to my room now.” Kaworu hummed back 

“Do you need help finding it?”

“No!” Kaworu said “I’m just going to be alone for a while.”

Shinji did his absolute best to suppress a smile. The look on Asuka’s face was something out of a dream of his. A sweet, vengeful dream. 

“You shouldn’t talk to girls like that, it’s rude” Asuka huffed. 

“Oh.” was all Kaworu said, his smile faltering for the first time since his arrival. “Okay.”

The silence between the group was nearly palpable, though Kaworu seemed oblivious. 

“Well, it was very nice to meet you all! Goodbye!” As he spun around, Kaworu’s white hair followed in an almost cartoonish way. The boy began to wander in a direction similar to, though not quite, the direction of the pilot living quarters. 

“Wait.” It was Rei who spoke this time, both Asuka and Shinji shot their head up and made suprised eye contact. A quick  _ What? _ Was exchanged in their eyes. Shinji couldn’t recall the last time he’d heard her say anything. 

“Who are you.” Rei continued.

“Well, bye!” Kaworu said, with that serpent smile and innocent gleam. 

“What a weirdo. Another weirdo. Who was I kidding, thinking we’d have another halfway conscious pilot” Asuka snuffed.

“So you’re not going to date him now?” Shinji teased, he really just couldn’t help it.

The look he got back was enough to inform him that if he didn’t lock his door tonight, he would never wake up.

“Ms.Misato! Can we leave yet?” Asuka yelled, in no particular direction. 

Nonetheless, the violet haired woman emerged to peer down at them from a nearby railing. 

“How’s Kaworu? Think he can keep up?” Misato teased, that familiar, mischievous but warm smile back on her face.

“No chance!” Asuka, as per tradition, took care of the talking for the trio. 


	6. CHAPTER 2: RELATIVE STRANGERS

Although in Kaworu’s opinion the mission was going rather smoothly, the transmissions he relayed back to the First Race’s laboratory were often met with what felt like panic. 

As the third day ended quite slowly, he found himself lying in that new bed in his favorite purple sweater yet again. Due the relative calm of the day, he had been able to obtain what seemed like relatively helpful information. It was time for him to contact them for his evening report. 

 

**TABRIS:** _ Everything is still going  well. I’ve been talking with the Evangelion pilots, but I haven’t managed to befriend any of them yet. None of them seem too eager. One of them keeps hitting me, you were right about the Lilin, they are brutal. I’ll try again tomorrow. I have more pictures of the Magi system to send, though I haven’t been able to upload any direct data to my own memory but I don’t think it will be hard. I should have something by the end of the week. _

  
  


Tabris reread his message, smiled, and sent it away. 

 

**FRL0007:** _ Tabris, has there been any suspicion as to your true identity? I know it’s only been a few days but it’s crucial that you should assimilate according to plan. Don’t fixate too much on the Magi, remember that the truly critical information will be located in Central Dogma. Don’t be afraid to have us use manual controls should you become confused or sense suspicion.  _

 

When Tabris got a new message from the lab, sometimes he liked to allow it to sit for a few minutes. Not that he had anything else to do, it was just nice to have something waiting for him.

 

**TABRIS:** _ Is that you Professor Adam?! _

 

**FRL007:** _ Yes Tabris.  _

 

**TABRIS:** _ Hello Professor! I’ve missed you! I have so much to tell you since our last-  _

 

The Professor interrupted him before he had time to tell him about his antics in clothing, piloting, and trying to make friends.

 

**FRL007:** _ You haven’t mentioned anything about how your schooling is going.  _

 

**TABRIS:** _ Schooling?  _

 

**FRL007:** _ You have been attending school with the other three children, correct?  _

 

Kaworu swallowed hard, a genuine feeling of dread overcoming him. No, he hadn’t been attending school, of course not. He had really honestly believed it was an elaborate hoax that Agate had just made up to scare him into compliance. Oh, it made sense. That’s why the three pilots never arrived until 15:00. 

 

**TABRIS:** …

_ School is real?  _

 

The other end was quiet for several moments while Tabris frantically tried to recall how school was supposed to work.

 

**TABRIS:** _ I have made a slight misjudgement. I will begin attending “school” tomorrow. I apologize.  _

 

Kaworu didn’t need to be using his telesystem to know that the professor was sighing. 

 

**FRL007:** _ Very good, Tabris. Upload any images you have of the Nerv headquarters and Magis. Sign off.  _

The professors sudden departure left Kaworu rather gloomy. He had so much he wanted to tell his creator about this strange new reality. About his purple sweater and the three strange children he was trying to befriend.

He also had a million questions for the Professor, and not all of them were going to be easy to ask.

These things, he counseled himself, would be revealed to him in time. 

First, there was this “school”. 

____________________

 

The next morning Kaworu had thrown what he believed Agate had told him was his school uniform and left his room with that special sort of confidence that comes with having absolutely no idea what one is doing. He found Ms.Katsuragi in her usual workplace and politely asked her how he was supposed to get to “school” .

“Decided to stop playing hooky, huh?” She had said this in a teasing voice. Kaworu responded with a smile that he sincerely hoped didn’t give away how completely lost he felt. Ms.Katsuragi had looked at her watch and mumbled something about how he could still make the train, handed him what he believed to be coffee and a notebook, and wished him luck.

It was this series of events along with a what must have been small miracle that lead to Kaworu getting on the train, off the train, and to where he was now. Standing idely in the entrance of the “school”.

He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to be nervous or not, so he chose not to be. As he walked into the grey building, however, a cold wave of memories overcame him. The scene reminded him all too much of the building where Professor Agates had given her daily sermons, and the anxiety he had chosen to ignore suddenly demanded its own recognition.

He was quite oblivious to the dozens of eyes that were peering at him from all directions in the courtyard, or perhaps by now he was used to being stared at. Students finally and eagerly observing the new, beautiful, and much rumored about transfer student. 

Kaworu looked down at the notebook Ms.Katsuragi had given him. Written on it was a room number and a time. He entered the building feeling oddly cold, despite the days relative warmth.

It didn’t take long, thankfully, for someone to give him direction.

“Look who decided to leave his dungeon today.” A familiar voice rang from behind him, in a mocking tone that Kaworu had begun to know could only belong to one person. He turned meet a pair of skeptical eyes and mass of shining red hair. Wow, they really did all have matching outfits.

“Oh, Ms.Soryu. Good morning.” 

“Where have you been? You missed three days, you know. You’re in class with me and Shinji. Or at least you’re supposed to be. Come on.” She turned to walk away, but stopped and spun back around.

“Don’t think I’m going to hold your hand and show you around, though.” Asuka huffed. Kaworu was a little distraught, considering having someone hold his hand and show him around was exactly what he wanted right now.

Asuka frowned when he didn’t take her lead.

“Come on, I’m not going to be late because of you.”

Kaworu followed hesitantly, until they arrived in a perfectly square, perfectly dull classroom. It was full of plain dressed tired looking students, who, the moment he made himself visible, erupted into a chorus of various noises. Kaworu thought it rather unpleasant, the bombardment of questions and squeals and eyes made him somewhat alarmed. He chose to simply smile and ignore his classmates demands.

The other pilot, Shinji Ikari, Kaworu recalled, was staring out of the window on the other side of the class, seeming to have no noticed Kaworu’s arrival. He was dressed the same as everyone, and had in his hands a black rectangle which  Kaworu seldom saw him without. Kaworu wanted to go over and say hello, but suddenly a much older man entered the room and the class, which was still in quite the cacophony, fell silent. 

“Good morning, everyone.” The man said, and then paused, peering at Kaworu. 

“It seems that our much rumored  new student has finally decided to join us.”

There was another pause. Kaworu continued to stand in the front of the room and smile.

“Why don’t you introduce yourself” The gruff  man said, looking a bit inpatient.

“Oh, hello everyone! My name’s Kaworu Nagisa. I just moved here, and I’m looking forward to getting to know you all.” 

Kaworu smiled. He had nailed it. He was finally beginning to recall some of Agate’s instructions via: school.

“What sort of things do you like to do, Kaworu Nagisa?”

“Hm? What do you mean?” Kaworu asked. He hadn’t been prepared for that question.

A few girls in the back of the classroom resumed their giggling. 

“Do you have any hobbies?”

“Oh. I like music very much.” Kaworu announced, smiling. It was true. It was one of the few things he knew about himself. That seemed to please the older man.

“Excellant! It’s refreshing, having someone your age take an interest in a such fine thing. The school has a splendid grand piano in the music room, I’m certain you’ll be welcome to play any time.”

Kaworu had no idea what a “grand piano” was, but smiled and thanked the man nonetheless. After several more moments of smiling at the rest of the students and the teacher coughing, Kaworu realized he was supposed to sit down.

Everyone giggled in a hushed but not repressed way as Kaworu found a seat directly behind Shinji Ikari. 

He managed to listen to a full 15 minutes of instruction before giving up and turning on his logs. Math wasn’t particularly interesting or challenging when one was a computer. He also wanted to know more about this “piano” business.

**PIANO:** _ A large keyboard musical instrument with a wooden case enclosing a soundboard and metal strings, which are struck by hammers when the keys are depressed. The strings' vibration is stopped by dampers when the keys are released, and it can be regulated for length and volume by two or three pedals. _

_ So that’s how people made music! Pianos!  _

Kaworu gasped, forgetting he was in an otherwise almost silent classroom. He shut his log when he realized that the boy in front of him had turned in his direction. Concerned and perhaps confused dark blue eyes met his own. Kaworu simply smiled. The boy, Shinji, in turn, frowned and turned back to face the front of the classroom. That was the end of that conversation. 

 

Class seemed to drag on for eternity as Kaworu felt this Piano beckoning him from the “music room”. A whole room, just for music! He knew that Professor Adam had told him that he wasn’t supposed to make music, but he didn’t have to know. Plus, it was part of his disguise now. Yes, it was all to help his facade. Going further into his logs, he discovered that music was not just heard, but it was also written. These sounds could be understood, created, put on paper. It was somewhat mathematical, even. He spent the remaining 7 hours of the day learning how one was to convert the written notes into music as he had known it, and vice versa.  

When he realized his classmates were leaving, Kaworu wasted no time beginning his quest. A few of the more brave students tried to interrupt him on his dash to the door, but to very little avail. They were all merely given a sweet smile and a “yes, I hope we can go out sometime, too” before Kaworu pushed forward, claiming that he was sorry but he was in an awful hurry. 

It took him about five minutes to locate the “piano.” 

It was a large, strange looking thing. It was all round and shamelessly large, unlike the steel tables and compact lab Kaworu had grown used to. The front of it was made up on a long strand of ivory and black, in front of which was a smallish, unassuming bench. 

He sat and breathed deeply. Suddenly he felt nervous, as if intimidated, and entirely unsure. He counseled himself that he was alone, and no matter how incorrectly he went about learning this  _ thing, _ it would only be him bearing witness.

He checked to make sure all of his channels back to the lab were off, and shaking slightly, raised his hands to the keys. 

One note. It rang throughout the room, Kaworu created an entirely new reality with a single twitch of his index finger. Then another, then another after another and then another. Then two notes at once, then three, four. Then the black notes. He quickly learned which notes sounded right together, and which did not. When he could add a black note and when he couldn’t. What patterns sounded right and which sounded sour. It was an art of adapting and computing, then recreating. It was something that seemed perfect for him, and suddenly it felt as if for the first time both the computer side of him and the human side of him were working in perfect sync. One reasoned the notes and the other was enthralled by them. He couldn’t help but laugh, as the only thing that slowed his hands was the giddiness he felt welling up inside of him. He was making something, and it was beautiful. It wasn’t destructive. It hadn’t been commanded of him. He was simply making something, just for the sake of happiness. For the sake of being Kaworu, and for Tabris.

 

He had no idea how long he played, but it must have been more than an hour. The simple joy of being alive and human and  _ creating _ was enough to keep the strange, beautiful, horrible thing that he was transfixed for an eternity. 

 

Had he not been so thoroughly intoxicated, he might have noticed the shy blue-eyed boy from earlier peering at him from behind a row of lockers, simply listening. 

 

* * *

 

He was late getting back to headquarters, but Ms.Katsuragi looked a bit too tired to scold him for holding everyone up. The two girls, Rei and Asuka, were both waiting near the dock, already in their plugsuits. It took him a moment to realize  it wasn’t just him who had been causing the delay.

“Where’s Shinji? Rei said he was at school today.” Ms.Katsuragi said, looking vaguely in the direction of the labs entrance. 

“Wow, the boy who has now run away 50 times ran away again.” 

Ms.Katsuragi simply frowned at Asuka’s person.

“Ran away?” Kaworu asked, suddenly feeling strangely worried. 

“Don’t worry, sometimes Shinji has to go have a little pity party for himself before he feels worthy of joining us again. I guess you’ll have your own unit today, though.” 

“How long is he going to be gone?” Kaworu asked. He wasn’t entirely sure why, but he had sort of been looking forward to seeing the other boy.

“Dunno. A day or so. What’s it to you?” 

It was at this a tired, disheveled, if not slightly red looking Shinji emerged onto the platform. Apologizing timidly, he immediately went towards the locker rooms to change into his plugsuit. Kaworu thought he heard Asuka murmur “typical” or another one of her unpleasant little utterances.

Their tests lasted all of four hours, going into the evening. They hadn’t yet finished a unit for Kaworu, so he alternated between the original three. Being in the cockpit had been a strange sensation at first, however Kaworu had quickly adapted, as he had been programmed to do. Ms.Katsuragi always congratulated him on his “sync rate” after he was finished with the tests. He had no idea what she meant, and he spent the entire time in the cockpit trying to collect and relay as much information and pictures as he possibly could back to the lab. 

It wasn’t a particularly unpleasant use of one's time, these tests, but it wasn’t a particularly nice one, either. Kaworu had been worried about actually piloting one of these… things. The worry, however, seemed unwarranted, as his job thus far had been only to sit idly while a team of scientists probed and plucked and frowned at him. He was very good at it, it was what he had been doing his whole life.

* * *

 

After he was dismissed, Kaworu walked out out of the docking area into the small room near the lift, only to find the skinny, shy looking boy he knew as the General’s son sitting alone. Kaworu’s cheek still stung from another one of Asuka’s attacks. Why had she hit him again? So  _ hard, _ too? He had simply wanted to know why she spoke with such a funny quip in her voice. The Lilin really were cruel creatures, he mused to himself while stroking his left cheek. 

Still, his mission required him to at least gain the trust of one of the pilots in order to get access to Central Dogma, or to gain any information on this "weapon". 

He might as well try the shy one, the General’s son. After all, why was he sitting alone on the floor? Maybe he had been waiting for Kaworu this whole time!

“Hello, were you waiting for me?” Kaworu announced himself accordingly.

“Huh? Oh, um,” The boy looked up, taking two wires out of his ears and making eye contact with Kaworu for only a millisecond before looking away. Kaworu felt something inside his stomach begin to ascend to his cheeks. He suddenly felt good, maybe scared, but happy. Similar to the way he had felt the instant before he struck that first piano key. Why?

He had never started a conversation in his life, not really, so he wasn’t sure where to begin. He made a simple observation he felt was appropriate, an observation that had been on his mind since he first saw the other boy. 

“You are very strange, even for a human.”

“What?” 

“Asuka said you were going to run away, and that you were sad. But no one is attacking us, so why are you running away? You seem so delicate, like every little thing that happens gets to you, but th-”

“Asuka was right, you’re really weird” The boy, Shinji interrupted flatly, standing up and then looking down as if the floor were going to give way and he needed to concentrate on it to know just when. 

“What?” Kaworu started, the thing that had been in his cheeks suddenly dropped to the pit of his stomach, it's decent made Kaworu nearly topple over.

“Just leave me alone, okay?” Shinji mumbled, already picking up his pack and sulking towards the exit door of the test chamber. He pulled his small black rectangle and the wire that he kept with it back out from his pack.

Kaworu suddenly felt miserable, awful, terrible. Unlike anyway he had felt before. Why? It was a short and clear rejection. He could try and befriend the blue haired girl, he felt a strange pull towards her, anyways. He speculated that she was perhaps not of the Lilin herself. Surely this rejection was a minor setback. Why did something inside of him seem to scream and well up at the boy’s rejection? He didn’t care, he just wanted to fix it. How did humans fix things? Right. They apologize.

“I’m, sorry” 

..

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable”

Shinji stopped there, his hand already pushing the exit door open.

“I’m still learning. I hope we can be friends, though.” Kaworu admitted weakly.

Here Shinji turned around

“Friends?” he asked, he sounded a little surprised.

“Yes!” Kaworu smiled, beaming at Shinji.

“Oh, erm, um…” Shinji’s whole face changed color, Kaworu was alarmed. “Okay, maybe.” He mumbled back.

“Are you okay? Your face just changed color.” 

It only got worse! Kaworu was very worried, he tried to determine the easiest way to medical assistance, if need be.

“Shut up.” Shinji mumbled, he seemed mad again.

“Oh. Did I say something wrong?” Kaworu wasn’t sure what was going on, but his face was starting to feel hot, too. Was this contagious? 

“What’s with you, anyways?” Dark blue eyes glared at him from behind a fringe of brown hair and annoyance. 

“I’m… still learning, is all.” Kaworu said, letting out a breath that contained the anxiety welling up inside of him. Because it was the truth.

“What?”

“I’m just… not really used to other people, yet.” Kaworu admitted, frowning a bit. He shouldn’t be so open, but he felt strangely comfortable in the other boys company. 

Shinji looked at him, baffled. At least he seemed able to  _ look _ at Kaworu now, instead of immediately averting his eyes. He expression softened into something more curious 

“It’s, uh, okay, actually.” Shinji said. His lips curled into a small smile, and Kaworu realized he had never seen the him smile, not really. It was a beautiful, warm thing. He thought of a particular chord that reminded him of the feeling, a soft, simple harmony. 

The two found themselves sort of just smiling at one another for a moment, at least until Kaworu remembered something he had been meaning to ask.

“What is that black rectangle you carry around, by the way?” Kaworu inquired.

“What? Oh, this?” Shinji pulled the black rectangle back out from his pocket.

“Yes! What is its function”

“It’s just a SDAT, I think it was my dads. I don’t know, it’s nothing nice.” 

“SDAT?”

“Yeah…”

“What does that stand for?”

“Oh, no, see, you listen to music on it" He said, opening the strange device. 

“WHAT?” Kaworu shot up, causing Shinji to flinch backwards in alarm, nearly dropping the object in question. 

“What is it? What? I’m, sorry?” Shinji stammered, suddenly looking a quite afraid.

“You can listen to the music, on, your thing? Is that what you do with your box?”

Shinji actually let out a laugh at this point, and went on explaining, quite extensively, the mechanics of his tape player. The two were soon sitting on the floor, and Shinji began to take apart different components of his rectangle. Kaworu listened with extraordinary attention he had never before given to anyone or anything. 

“So the music is on the little rectangle inside?”

“Yeah, so if you want different songs, you switch them.” Shinji said, demonstrating by removing a very battered looking tape. 

“So you can get the music out…”

“What?”

“Nothing. Do you do you have any other music?” Kaworu couldn’t help the enthusiasm that seeped into his voice. 

“What do you mean?” Shinji asked, still smiling.

“There is a song I would like to hear very much. Do you have it?” Kaworu recalled that very first song he had heard. It had only been a few months now, but it felt like a different lifetime.

“Maybe. I have a lot more tapes back hope, what song is it?”

Kaworu frowned, deep in thought. The professor hadn’t mentioned a name for the music, he recalled. Instead, he decided to simply recreate the tune as best he could, and found himself humming the familiar notes.

“Oh, Beethoven's ninth. Sure, I probably have it.” Shinji said as if it wasn’t life changing news.

“Can we go get it, now?!”

Shinji seemed to hesitate at that, his smile faltering. Kaworu was doing his best to try and learn what made him uncomfortable and what made him smile. It was a very difficult task, one that he seemed doomed to fail.

“Um. That’s okay. I don’t usually. Have people over. I can bring it tomorrow, though, if you want or someth-”

“Great! Thank you very much, Ikari” Kaworu said, already ecstatic with the idea that he might be able to hear that  _ music _ again, and soon!

“Oh, um, you can just call me Shinji” his new friend replied, still looking somewhat tired, if not a bit too red.

“Okay, Shinji. You can just call me Kaworu, too, then.”

“Hmm, okay.” Shinji once again seemed willing to brave eye contact, and Kaworu beamed back.

“There you are.” A familiar though somewhat unwelcome voice sounded from the lift. 

Asuka’s eyes darted between the two boys. She frowned. She was always frowning. He wasn’t sure how someone could frown at Shinji. He was so soft and warm and delicate and  _ good. _

“What are you two doing?” She asked, though the question clearly wasn’t pointed at Kaworu.

“Nothing.” The smile that had been dancing around Shinji’s face for the past while vanished entirely.

“Does Ms.Misato want to go now?”

“Yeah, you’re like twenty minutes late, actually.” Asuka said flatly, turning back towards the lift without giving Shinji any more indication that he was to follow. Shinji got up anyways and, looking a bit defeated, join her in the lift. 

“Thanks Shinji, I’ll see you tomorrow!” Kaworu waved, smiling fondly.

“Um, yeah. I’ll bring that tape. Bye Kaworu.” He didn’t seem to have be able to make eye contact, but Kaworu saw a flash of that smile return and vanish in an instance.

Just before the lift doors closed, Kaworu caught the glare that Asuka was stabbing into him. The sheer danger and foreboding and warning in her eyes caused an actual physical reaction. Fear.

There was no way she knew. He reminded himself. He hadn’t done anything wrong. That's just how she is.

Strange feelings mixing excitement and dread accompanied him back to his room. When he put on his purple sweater and spread out on his bed, an idea came to him.

He got up and sat in front of the small desk that the lab had provided him, forming a plan. He rested his hands on its plastic surface and closed his eyes,  trying to access any imagination he could muster.

Though the strokes of his fingers made no noise this time, Kaworu recalled where each and every key had been. He found himself with his eyes closed, hands tapping wildly down onto silence. The notes were alive enough in his head that it didn’t seem to matter, and Kaworu spent the rest of the evening feeling warm and good, dancing his hands across an invisible piano and letting his mind wander to thoughts of a hesitant smile and blue eyes.

 


End file.
